Um, there really isn't any too-long, didn't-read. I thought of writing one due to the oppressive length of this post, but I couldn't think of it. Maybe someone could do so in a comment if they feel this post needs one. Also, feel free to ask me anything. I'll try to respond. If this is too long, just don't read. This is about my experiences with the Pornography Addition Recovery Program provided by LDS Family Services. As you will see, if helped me cope, but it did not ultimately help me feel healthy and whole as a normal human being. Ultimately, losing my faith in the LDS Church and relying upon faith in a universalist deity who probably loved me is what helped most. ;–)

In the Beginning

I don't remember when I first actively sought out porn. I was probably around 12 or 13. I remember getting up late at night to sneak to the basement to watch soft-core pornography on the pay-per-view channels (if you watched the squiggly lines long enough you'd usually get a period of a few minutes where the picture resolved itself enough to be viewable) and over the dial-up Internet (I remember often bringing a pillow down to the family room to muffle the modem handshake). I got found out pretty early on by my parents, who were horrified. To their credit I think they were far more horrified at how the world was attacking their son than at me personally; my dad actually said he was somewhat relieved that I was viewing heterosexual pornography because I was so anti-social around girls that he was worried I was gay! Viewing pornography led to discussions with the Bishop, computer access restrictions and passwords, and increased chores. Over the years I would get found again and again, and each time would get better and better at hiding my tracks as well as getting past the still-laughable protections and walls available to prevent such access.

I'm not certain how much background information is really needed; I'll answer questions if people have them. I did not look at pornography during my mission, which was the longest time I had away from pornography. After returning home it only took two months before I gave in and started viewing it yet again.

Marriage

I was married in the summer of 2005 (and still am, thank whatever gods may be). I told my wife about my problems while driving off to our honeymoon (this is still a huge regret I have; though I feel differently about porn now than I did then, I was not open and honest while we were courting and engaged; this is never a good idea in any relationship). She was annoyed that I had waited to tell her, but said she had figured I had such a problem while we were dating and that as long as I could refrain from it in the future things would be fine.

Of course, I was found out by her eventually. It nearly destroyed our fragile new marriage; I went into a spiral of depression and came close to killing myself in desperation (and was prevented only because I'm an idiot when it comes to kitchen knives and tried to cut my wrists with a bread knife; it only resulted in some very bloody and painful wrists